Ratin’ Fast Food
 by: Ed Williams

Sometimes I get the strangest emails. A couple of days ago, I had a woman write and ask me if I’d consider writing some restaurant reviews. She said she felt that most restaurant critics are highbrow types, and that it’d be a nice change if “a regular person” wrote some reviews. She then went on to suggest that I should start with the fast food chains first, then write about more locally based restaurants later.

Hmmmmm. Her idea is intriguing, but, to be honest, I genuinely wonder if ya’ll will give two flips as to what my opinions are regarding some of the fast food chains. On the other hand, the only way I’m gonna find out is to write about a few of them and see. So, without any further ado, here’s my take on some of the major fast food chains and their offerings:

Ci-Ci’s Pizza: If you don’t want to pay $19.95 for the “Bum Fights” video, just shell out around four bucks and check out the “all you can eat” buffet at Ci-Ci’s around dinner time.

Dairy Queen: The most underrated hamburger/fast food chain of them all. The burgers are great, plus, look at all their soda fountain choices – all kinds of sundaes and shakes. On top of that, these people make the best banana splits in the world. If you want to go to a particularly great location, try the Dairy Queen in Forsyth, Georgia. The food is great, and one or two of the women there are so good lookin’ that they’ll make you lose your religion. A close second is the McCrae, Georgia DQ, the only problem there being that the women don’t flirt as much.

Hardee’s: The worst hamburgers in the world, they’re even drier than a KMart shoe. Their milkshakes used to be the one thing that made them worth an occasional shot, but they’ve even screwed those up now. For all you teenaged guys out there who want to break up with your girlfriend but can’t figure out how to do it, just take her out to a Hardee’s to eat the next time you go on a date. When she finishes eating, she’ll beg you to both take her home and get out of her life.

Krystal: I adore Krystal, but getting some ketchup packets out of ’em is like stealing gold from Fort Knox.

McDonald’s: The food sucks, the decor is worse, and you’d better get ready to inventory your bag if you order more than two items utilizing their drive-thru. My money says that McDonald’s will end up being the Edsel of the fast food business.

Nu-Way: The best hot dogs in the world, and really shouldn’t be included in this list. Anybody knows that a Nu-Way is a gourmet treat, not a fast food offering.

Sonic: I love the Sonic! First, the old drive-in concept appeals to me, and they have some monster foot long hot dogs. They cover ‘em up in chili, add on a ton of fries, and will even bring a bucket of ketchup out to you if you want it. You also have the advantage of being able to sneak a smooch from your sweetie if the mood hits.

Steak and Shake: I love their food, but the one I patronize just got a bad health department rating because most of the cockroaches in middle Georgia seem to be congregating there. It shalt be a while before I return.

Subway: Great food, lots of choices, and you can actually watch your sandwich being put together. The only thing is, be careful when you ask for the jalapenos – they’re mega hot, and will cause your stomach to sing like Kate Smith just a few hours after you’ve eaten them.

Taco Bell: I love the food, and the prices can’t be beat. The only thing I don’t like about Taco Bell is when you pull up to the drive-thru, they’ll say something to you like, “Hello, welcome to Taco Bell, would you like to try our Gonzo Burrito?” If you’re not paying attention and forget to say “no,” you’ll end up with some very strange items in your bag.

Folks, I’ve got even more eatin ‘places I’d like to talk about, but, columns can only be so long, and I’ve about met my word limit for this week. Just remember, these are my opinions, just my opinions, and I’m sure some of ya’lls differ. But, as for me, as Ed Jr. says, if it quacks like a duck, and has feathers like a duck, well…..

About The Author

Ed’s latest book, “Rough As A Cob,“ can be ordered by calling River City Publishing toll-free at: 877-408-7078. He’s also a popular after dinner speaker, and his column runs in a number of Southeastern publications. You can contact him via email at: ed3@ed-williams.com, or through his web site address at: www.ed-williams.com.

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